Silent No More : One Woman’s Journey to Hope, Healing, and Forgiveness Following Abortion
In the words of Deb, “Abortion leaves a wound….it is like a big black hole in your heart that you want to pretend isn’t there.” Deb wishes she would have known how abortion would impact every area of her life 26 years ago when she found herself facing a crisis pregnancy. Experiencing tremendous pressure from the baby’s father to abort and from herself for getting into this situation, Deb decided that she would have an abortion at her local Planned Parenthood. She had heard that a fetus was not really human anyway. Deb told herself that it was just a clump of cells, so “all she would have to do is make this little sacrifice, and her life could go on unchanged.“
At first, Deb found Planned Parenthood to be deceivingly comforting, as staff reassured her that no one would ever have to know. Sitting in an otherwise quiet waiting room, the sound of the vacuum used to perform the abortions is one that Deb will never forget. When it was Deb’s turn, the abortionist said no words throughout the entire procedure, except to ask Deb if she was a twin. Thinking this was a bit strange, she answered, “Yes,” and moved on, wanting to get home “so life could go back to the way it was.”
Though Deb remembers initially feeling relieved after her abortion, that night, she recalls the terror of Satan coming to her in a vision, laughing and taunting her. Manipulated by lies, Deb was convinced that she was wretched, alone, and unforgivable. She turned to alcohol in an attempt to escape the guilt, fear, shame, and despair, all of which Deb remembers that Satan used to drive her to abort, and was now using to keep her from finding the healing compassion of God.
It was not until Deb courageously and humbly faced her past and gave it completely to God that she found rest. Through a post-abortive healing program and Bible study, she discovered that “from any sin which brings death to the soul, He can bring forth sorrow, renewal, and a rebirth into a glorious life which was unthinkable before.” It was during this time of healing that Deb discovered that she was not just carrying one child at the time of her abortion, but twins, whom she later named Conrad and Constance.
Deb “desperately wishes that she could turn back time,” and feels “so sorry that she didn’t give them the opportunity to be loved and enjoyed here on earth.” Nonetheless, Deb found healing by offering the souls of Conrad and Constance to God alongside her past sins. Deb says, “By remembering and allowing my voice to be their voice, my prayer is that Conrad’s and Constance’s short lives can have meaning. That is why I can be silent no more!”